It's a New Year

Well, it's a new year, and I'm cautiously excited about 2012. For the first time ever, I am beginning the new year while being on a paid, week-long vacation from work (a Christmas gift from our CEO) and will continue it by going on a cruise to the Caribbean!! I can hardly wait! I am flying to San Antonio, Texas on Thursday to meet up with Chrissy and then hang out for a few days before we drive down to Galveston. At this time next week, I will be on a ship headed to some of the most beautiful parts of God's creation.

In reading some of the posts I made over the past two years, I realized that some things haven't changed. I still struggle with always feeling distant from God. I feel like it waxes and wanes but the closeness never lasts very long. Does anyone else struggle with this, or is it only me? I'm constantly encouraged that it doesn't take a lot of 'work', that God is always there, and that even if I feel that way, it doesn't necessarily indicate that I really *am* far from Him just because I feel like it. But it seems like many others have a much easier time engaging in close communion with Him than I do. Anyone have any insight/ideas?

Hope everyone has a fantastic beginning to 2012.

More of You

This is a worship song I wrote last week that's been on my heart for months (especially the chorus). The "as for you, follow Me" line was birthed out of the Scripture that was shared during a Bible Study called Sacred Echoes by Margaret Feinberg. I was struck by the way the disciples were fervently discussing what they were doing in comparison to others around them, and the Lord's response was, "As for you - You follow Me." The ensuing discussion was centered around how we, as people, tend to look to everyone else and compare ourselves to everyone around us and not to the Lord. When we look at the Lord, we automatically realize (or should, anyway) that we are not righteous and always fall short. When we compare ourselves to others, we either puff ourselves up above them or insult ourselves below them, and neither is good for us or for the other person/people. The words in the verses are to demonstrate a person who has been caught up and blinded by distraction in the world - worries, temptation, strife, loneliness...the prechorus is set up to specifically turn the singer's attention to the Lord. It begins with acknowledging - this is where I'm at right now, but I'm remembering You and Your promises. Your arms are never too short to save, You will draw near to us if we draw near to You, and oh boy, do we need You. Then comes the chorus - His response to us as His people. And as the singer can go deeper...deeper into confession, remembering His promises again, and repeating His response...then comes the bridge - more of You, less of me, let Him be everything. Enjoy!

More of You

Verse 1
Empty...broken...weak
Tempted...lonely...bleeding
Searching...finding...no rest
Turning...yearning to be refreshed

Prechorus
Oh Lord - we need You
Your arms never too far to save
Father, draw near us
From the silence, we hear Him say -

Chorus
As for you, follow Me, He says lovingly
Your heart will be truly set free
From the burdens and pain, just call on My name
Set your mind and your heart on Me.

Verse 2
Caught up...blinded...numb
Aching...beaten...done...
with fighting...losing...the strife
Look at His face, His life

Prechorus
Oh Lord - we need You
Your arms never too far to save
Father, draw near us
From the silence, we hear Him say -

Chorus

Bridge (into Chorus to end)
More of You, less of me
Change my heart so completely
That all I seek, is You - so You're all that I see...

As for you, follow Me, He says lovingly
Your heart will be truly set free
From the burdens and pain, just call on My name
Set your mind and your heart on Me.

To Keep the Organ, or Not?

Rarely in my life have I had this decision to make. I've had surgery once, when I got my tonsils and adenoids removed and tubes put in my ears. I was six, and yes they did that all at once! For weeks before the surgery I was promised (bribed, really) that I would receive a huge bowl of ice cream after the procedure, and it honestly made me feel a bit better about it. I still remember choosing the flavor of goo that they put underneath the anesthesia mask (cherry) so it's more appealing for kids. Kind of a neat idea, but silly too - I think I smelled cherries for all of five seconds before I was gone. So now that I get to decide if I want to have gallbladder surgery, I'm not sure what the best choice is. If I get it removed, I have to follow the same diet that I've adapted myself to since the attacks started: very low-fat, mostly whole grains, fruits, veggies, and nothing acidic, greasy, or high in fat. But it's different for every person I'm finding. I can't have tomato-based soups, but espresso doesn't bother me (thank GOD). I can eat In-N-Out cheeseburgers and fries, but not peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Go figure?? I've been doing a lot of online research since I haven't gotten to talk to the surgeon yet and most people who have had the surgery describe their diet to be the same as what I am currently doing. My thought of course was, if it's the same diet and I'm not experiencing pain as long as I eat like this, then why go through surgery if it doesn't really improve anything? The one thing I'm unsure of is how this is affecting my other organs, and how it will affect them long-term. My liver enzymes are very high, my pancreas is inflamed, and my spleen is larger than it should be. Should they bear the brunt of my unhappy, irritated and somewhat stubborn gallbladder? I'm inclined to say no. And so I'm still debating, and praying about the best option! I really don't mind eating well...since I've lost 24 pounds on Weight Watchers I've gotten into a style of eating that I like and which is good for me, so it's not really going to involve anything new. i'll just be one organ less than normal. :-)

Freedom

Wow, I haven't posted to this in a while. I had a momentous evening so I think it's time to start blogging again. ;-)

I've really been struggling in my walk with God in several areas, but an area that He's been continually drawing attention to is my belief/view that I have to somehow work to attain things from Him, whether it's Him doing something in my life or simply His favor or grace. I realized my walk with Him is very performance-based in my mind, and consequently (though I didn't realize this until recently) I have felt very disconnected from Him. Ironically, nothing I've been doing has been helping me to feel connected to Him. Reading the Word, talking about Him more, worshiping, going to church, Bible Study...all have felt distant from Him, like going through the motions. This morning, this Scripture popped into my head as I was getting ready for work: "They mention me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me." That's a paraphrase from my brain of the actual verse, but you get the idea. It was convicting. I felt like that was me, and my solution was to just try harder. To make myself connect with Him. Well, it doesn't work. I knew that much by this point. Something was wrong, and I could not figure out what it was. But it has really been bothering me, so much so that I have been feeling depressed and lonely, wanting to "fix" this and not knowing how...being yet unsatisfied by everything else.

Then I got to spend time with Amanda. She is my best friend, and it was a blessing to be able to meet up tonight! It worked out perfectly, without any prior planning on either of our parts. I had to go to Anaheim to monitor a visit that was scheduled for 3:30 - 7:30 PM, and I was planning to go home directly after. However, because the mother we were waiting for did not show, the visit was canceled and I found myself heading back toward home relatively early. I called Amanda to see what she was doing, and she was just heading back to Irvine from Southcoast Plaza, and said she was able to hang out! So we met at Peet's Coffee (my favorite place) and were able to catch up. In talking about these struggles I was having, particularly about connecting with God, I described my realization that my view of Him was that I had to do something to earn things, to make Him happy, or to remove His anger or frustation with me. In the questions she asked me, I realized that this is very much how I acted as a child with my own father. My actions (or lack thereof) often had a very direct effect on his mood and how he would treat me and respond to me. I have lived for months at a time thinking that God doesn't think I've quite reached the mark He's set for me, or that I could always be doing more of this, more of that, or not doing this at all because it's not for the Kingdom. Okay, actually, I think this has happened for years, because many of these beliefs have been challenged during our Pure Life Bible studies as we've been going through Romans, and realizing exactly what the Lord has done for us - how He knew we wouldn't be able to do anything to save ourselves and so He provided His Son to die for our sins. He atoned for every one of them, both past and future, because He knew we never could. I have always believed that and understood that, but I didn't understand the implication of that deed long-term. That it not only meant I can't earn my salvation, but I can't earn anything from Him. Not His love, His grace, His favor, His compassion, His embrace, His watchfulness of me, His comfort, His goodness, His mercy, His actions. I realized that I have been believing (and acting) as though His actions depend on mine. That was sobering and humbling at the same time. It's funny how you don't realize what you actually believe until you sit down and think it through. The more I thought about this, the more I realized that my beliefs about God had started with my dad, but had been reinforced by at least one other very close, significant relationship in my life (also with a male).

But He comes first. He already accomplished. In fact, I realized, He is outside of time, and in reality (though it's kind of sci-fi-ish if you think about it) everything that will be has actually already been done. And as I was praying and releasing all of this to Him, I heard Him very clearly say to me: "I'm not waiting for you to do anything. It's all already done." So He's not waiting for me to get to just the right place before He'll give me something I need or even want. He's not hovering over me, waiting for me to mess up, and then withholding good things from me as punishment. He's not waiting to give me things until I do something. If anything, it's a matter of timing, not because I have or have not done something. I am amazed at how freeing this was to me. I felt like the weight of the world lifted off of my shoulders. I think it is what He meant for us to share with Him: a relationship that's free from all of this except for child-like dependence on Him exactly because we cannot do things. And, the security that He's already done everything that needs to be done. Now if I can only go through the rest of my life with this mindset...

Jury Duty Taught me Something...

So there I was, prepared to have a day "off" from work...I sat in the Main St. courthouse, waiting to be called for jury duty. At first I was annoyed, as I waited in the jury lounge, that they had a judge explaining how important jury duty is as a civic service. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm contributing to society on a daily basis, or because I understood basic U.S. history from high school, but I was really annoyed at the judge's "history lesson" (I mean she basically told us that the U.S. became a country in 1776...are we all out of high school yet? You have to be 18 to serve, right??). Anyway, after waiting two hours, I was called to department 45 as the first panel of jurors. I was excited and wanted to be a juror so badly - I've never had the experience (heck, since I registered to vote at 18, I have never been assigned to a jury in my life - I was always sent home without leaving the jury lounge). And, since I've been in courtrooms with kids on my caseload before, I wondered what it was like to hear everything as part of a jury. Now, since I started this job, I'm resigned to the fact that as soon as anyone in the courtroom hears what I do for a living, and what my master's is in, I probably will be the first person kicked off of a jury...but I guess you never know. But I was still hopeful!

When the judge called the courtroom to order, he explained what the charges were against the man who was sitting in front of us, with his defense attorney. The defense attorney did not speak as eloquently as the prosecutor, which I thought was interesting. But it's what the judge said that made me realize how the Lord views us...and helped highlight and explain the parts of Scripture that talk about the Lord as judge, and our particular role with Him. The judge explained that our job, as the jury, was simply to apply the law and to determine if the accused had actually committed the crime he was being charged for. That was it. He said that the judgment, i.e. the sentence for having committed the crime, was his "burden to bear." That struck me, as I looked around the room and realized our relationship with God is the same. Many times, we look at our friends, family, even strangers, and judge them. We become angry because they have upset or violated us in some way, or we assume (without having any or all of the facts) that the other person had ill-intent in some fashion. I thought about myself and how often I not only want to accuse someone of wrong-doing, but how much I want to also punish them! I suppose it is human nature, and also why the Lord says that He is the Judge. He asks us to pray for our enemies, and to pray...and being in that courtroom reminded me that my job as the "jury" is simply to bring a matter before my Father and trust that it is His burden to judge justly and to make action if necessary (by His standards, not mine). What a neat lesson!! Just thought I would share. ;)

The True Foundation

Today was yet another day where I felt completely exhausted and utterly frustrated with myself. After church and lunch with dear friends, I came home to nap. Upon waking up, I remembered a book I've had for a while but hadn't read and decided it was a good time to read it. It's called Spiritual Depression by D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones. My dear friend Amy recommended it to me a while back. If I'm being completely honest, I think I've been in a varying state of spiritual depression for about two years. I definitely know when it started, but I'll spare those details. I thought my life was going one way...I was positive that God had ordained it and that He was in it, and then everything fell apart in one night. Complete 180 degree turn on life. I had a significant amount of trouble adjusting to that, and I think I've only recently been able to accept the new direction God is taking me, and to be perfectly honest I still don't know what direction that is. I only know that He wants me to know Him more, and to experience His healing and love. I've been a pretty hard-headed, unwilling kid in many respects. Perhaps it comes from not wanting to submit myself to my harsh father that I have neglected to fully submit my heart to Him. When I began to read Spiritual Depression I saw myself in the first chapter - the diagnosis chapter. Lloyd-Jones defines spiritual depression as, very simply, being an unhappy Christian, lacking the joy of Christ and being no different than those of the world we're supposed to be attracting to Christ. He wonders if some are even Christians at all, and that's the part that struck me (but I'll get to that later). He writes that certain people are prone to spiritual depression, introverts being most of them. This is because introverts are usually analyzing and looking into self, and are therefore very self-focused instead of outward focused (this is the general definition of an introvert anyway). He writes that "the fundamental trouble with these people is that they are not always careful to draw the line of demarcation between self-examination and introspection." He says this leads to a state called "morbidity", in which we "do nothing but examine ourselves, and such self-examination becomes the main and chief end in our life. We are meant to examine ourselves periodically, but if we are always doing it, always, as it were, putting our soul on a plate and dissecting it, that is introspection. And if we are always talking to people about ourselves and our problems and troubles, and if we are forever going to them with kind of frown upon our face and saying: I am in great difficulty - it probably means we are all the time centered upon ourselves. That is introspection, and that in turn leads to the condition known as morbidity." I have to say, honestly, that has been me lately. I saw a giant finger pointing at me while reading that (okay, not literally). This is VERY much a weakness of mine, and no doubt means I'm much bigger in my perspective than God is. Lloyd-Jones also says that unbelief is the ultimate cause of spiritual depression, which I completely agree with. I mean, if you believe in God but don't believe in something about Him, essentially that's negating that He is who He says He is, which is very depressing. God has to be who He says He is or else there's no point in believing on Him at all (yes, I said ON). And then where would the world be? I think, especially lately, Christians and non-Christians agree that there has to be something bigger in life to hold on to or look to in order to survive in this crazy, messed up world. There has to be something to set our hope on. Something that's stable and bigger than us. People around the world are seeking out religion probably more than they ever have before, but it's not always Christianity, and it's not always the true God they're looking for. Some, like people I know, have settled to put their hope in nature. Some have decided to put their hope in their family, their career, the stock market (oops). Ultimately, however, those things are still not God. Needless to say, I was convicted. Well, then I got to Chapter 2: The True Foundation.

Here, Lloyd-Jones makes the case that some Christians really are not Christians, based on the fact that they might believe God exists, but they do not fully understand salvation and have not accepted it as it really is. He gives example of the Pharisees, who took the Law and made it into something that was doable, so that they, as mere men, might save themselves in the eyes of God. However, as we know from Scripture, the Lord gave the Law that men might look at it and realize they would never be able to attain it, and see their depravity and desperate need for Him. It was meant as a mirror, not as a stepladder! Lloyd-Jones writes that we must be quite clear that we are sinners before we can enjoy Christian salvation - and I love how he defines this: "The essential point is, that the way to know yourself a sinner is not to compare yourself with other people; it is to come face to face with the Law of God. Well what is God's Law? .... 'Thou shalt love the Lord they God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul and with all thy mind and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like it - Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." If you are not loving God with all your being, you are a sinner. How's that for conviction? We think of sin in terms of acts of commission and omission, but really, it is this. I had not thought about that before. Really, He cares about our relationship with Him - are we fulfilling the role that He created us to be in - wholly in communion with Him, with all of our being? And if not, then no wonder we're spiritually depressed. We're living outside of what He made us for. I'm sure a whale would find itself troubled and, assuredly, on the way to death if it ended up somehow in a desert instead of the ocean. That's not what it was made to do, or where it was supposed to be. God designed the whale specifically to be a sea creature, to swim, to come out of the water for air, to eat sea life. We are supposed to know God, enjoy Him, and have Him as our greatest source of joy. And right now, I do not, but having been convicted...Lord, help me to live this way.

Interestingly, Lloyd-Jones makes a point of saying that people who were raised in the church, as opposed to those who had what I would call a true conversion experience, have a much harder time recognizing themselves as sinners. They may grow up in church and be involved in church for many years and then find themselves witnessing someone who used to get crazy drunk every night falling on their knees in front of Jesus, repenting of their lifestyle. Lloyd-Jones explains that those who have grown up in church tend to not see themselves as sinners because they have not done actions such as these. He writes, "Their thinking is in terms of actions, particular actions, and of comparisons with other people and their experiences and so on. For this reason they have never had a real conviction of sin, and because of that they have never plainly seen their utter absolute need of the Lord Jesus Christ. They have heard it preached that Christ has died for our sins and they say that they believe that; but they have never really known its absolute necessity for themselves." I have to say, while I don't completely fit that profile, I know I have definitely thought of sin in terms of actions. I know that I have sometimes struggled with jealousy, seeing someone who turned away from a life of drinking/partying and their joy at the Lord and wondered why I didn't have the same joy. I'm glad that I now really know what sin is - that it is falling short of loving the Lord with our whole being, and the knowledge that nobody can do that. That is why we have need of Christ - our punishment for sin fell upon Him and only in that way are we justified. I will need Him all of my life. 'I rest my faith on Him alone who died for my transgressions atone.'

"The essence of Christian salvation is to say that He is good enough and I am in Him!"

Be careful (and joyful) about what you ask Him for...

I've been very challenged @ Friday night's study (The Difference) to evaluate my relationship with God and how I have viewed him as my own earthly father. I won't go into too much detail about my dad, but let's just say that he is a unique individual. He can be very selfish at times (so can I), and isn't always looking out for someone else's interst. He disciplined harshly, often calling us names...and yet I have to remember, he was disciplined more harshly by his father than I will ever know. Though I've never asked him, I'm almost completely sure that he believes he's been a wonderful father because he's never laid a hand on us (aside from the occasional spanking when we were younger). Regardless, having been challenged to look at how I view God, I often have believed that I will find the end of His love somehow, whether by something I've done or said, or something I've neglected to do or say. I've believed my feelings and the expressions of those feelings will push Him away from me. And I've believed that when I've made Him mad, He's turned. And then it's up to me to entice Him back, to persuade Him to draw near...and I've gotten angry at that and have decided many a time to not "play that game." This was all one huge revelation to me as I realized suddenly why I'd been so up-and-down in my walk with God. He didn't go anywhere; and NONE of these things are true of His character. None. So I've been at this place where I'm trying to figure out...just how do I make this head knowledge about my Heavenly Father into heart, experiential knowledge? How do I function day to day believing the truth about Him when my heart reacts in the latter ways, and according to those awful, false beliefs about Him? Well, I decided to ask Him for help, and sure enough, He met me. It was wonderful to see that in my life again. Sometimes I just go through the motions, having no depth in my relationship with Him, and it's really awful. But the past two days, after I prayed specifically for Him to show me something simple, He answered in really astounding ways. I prayed that He would open my heart to see Him...His true self...and that I would begin to understand (in a journey-type sense) His love for me and how He also sees me.

Yesterday morning I was heading to work and had just enough time to stop at Starbucks. I ordered a caramel macchiato upside-down with sugar-free vanilla syrup (hey, it's 80 calories less and less like dessert than actual coffee this way). I was third in line and figured I would still have plenty of time to get to work. The lady in front of me received her order and then asked the barista about another drink. The barista said, "Oh, you ordered that too?" She then ducked inside to make another drink (my guess after how long it took) and handed it to her. Okay, so I was annoyed. I was supposed to be presenting a case for our Clinical Supervisor at 8:30 and I still needed 10 minutes to drive. I got my drink rather quickly and headed to the 60 freeway (I was traveling from Day street to Blaine). Around the Martin Luther King exit, traffic abruptly slowed, and came to a stop. I could see about 15 cars in front of me there there was an accident. I had my windows down, and I heard screaming. The kind of dreadful screaming that chills your bones. I knew that someone was badly hurt, and I began to pray for everyone. The accident appeared to have just happened as people piled out of their cars to help and survey the damage. People rushed to an overturned red pickup truck and were looking inside the cab, seemingly trying to help people get out. As I passed the wreck, I saw a woman jumping up and down screaming/crying. I called 911 (didn't see anyone else with phones out at the scene) and continued on to work. I realized after I'd passed the accident that had the lady in front of me at Starbucks not delayed my trip, I would've probably been much closer to that accident - 2 to 3 minutes makes a huge difference on the freeway. In fact, it shows me how we live our lives by matter of perspective: 2 to 3 minutes late = annoying, or 2 to 3 minutes late = life saving. I guess you never know, but He made it clear that His hand was in my life that day. When I got to work, not even knowing what had happened, a coworker came over and gave me a huge hug. I was on the phone and hadn't even seen her yet that morning, but she knew I was there (heard my voice) and somehow knew that's exactly what I had needed. I had even been thinking to myself, "Man, I need a hug!!" Thank you Lord!! You extend Your arms through Your people.

Today, I stayed home to rest and decided to venture out a few hours ago to get a video from Hollywood Video. I found a rent one, get one free coupon online and had a couple of movies already in mind. I headed over and found the streets to be jam-packed with cars. As I got to the freeway, I realized it was shut down and there was a helicopter passing overhead. It took me 40 minutes to go the 3 miles to Hollywood, and when I got there I realized there had been a police shooting right down the street from Hollywood Video. I'm not sure how much time He spared me in avoiding that one, but thankfully I didn't leave earlier. I would have been right there. To be perfectly honest this is overwhelming in the way of me experiencing His love and care for me, but I have to be equally honest in saying that I'm ready to stop experiencing it this way!!

Here's something the Lord showed me in Scripture this morning, too, as I felt a nudge to begin reading through the book of Jeremiah:

"Then the virgin will rejoice with dancing, while young and old men rejoice together. I will turn their mourning into joy, give them consolation, and bring happiness out of grief. I will give the priests their fill with abundance and My people will be satisfied with My goodness."

I realized that is exactly what I want - to be satisfied with His goodness alone. As I kept reading Jeremiah, however, I realized that I have been guilty of this: "Yet My people have exchanged their Glory for useless idols. Be horrified at this, Heavens; be shocked and utterly appalled. For my people have committed a double evil: they have abandoned Me, the fountain of living water, and dug cisterns that cannot hold water." Jeremiah 2:12-13.

::SMACK::

That was me. I immediately saw myself in that and asked Him for forgiveness. I repented of walking away from Him and trying to do everything on my own. I've reaped the consequences of that, and it has shown itself in a series of illnesses and a weak immune system. I've been sick every three weeks for several months now, not taking time to rest and constantly doing, doing, doing...and yet in vain. For nothing purposeful, really. My heart hasn't always been fully into the things I'm doing for God, let alone the things that aren't for Him. Thank goodness for His comforting words concerning His love for us and that He welcomes us back when we turn to Him and admit wrong. This book of the Bible is very sobering when it comes to His consequences for the ones who won't turn back. May that never be me; I will need His help every second. I have been humbled and will now choose to humble myself. Amen.