Be careful (and joyful) about what you ask Him for...

I've been very challenged @ Friday night's study (The Difference) to evaluate my relationship with God and how I have viewed him as my own earthly father. I won't go into too much detail about my dad, but let's just say that he is a unique individual. He can be very selfish at times (so can I), and isn't always looking out for someone else's interst. He disciplined harshly, often calling us names...and yet I have to remember, he was disciplined more harshly by his father than I will ever know. Though I've never asked him, I'm almost completely sure that he believes he's been a wonderful father because he's never laid a hand on us (aside from the occasional spanking when we were younger). Regardless, having been challenged to look at how I view God, I often have believed that I will find the end of His love somehow, whether by something I've done or said, or something I've neglected to do or say. I've believed my feelings and the expressions of those feelings will push Him away from me. And I've believed that when I've made Him mad, He's turned. And then it's up to me to entice Him back, to persuade Him to draw near...and I've gotten angry at that and have decided many a time to not "play that game." This was all one huge revelation to me as I realized suddenly why I'd been so up-and-down in my walk with God. He didn't go anywhere; and NONE of these things are true of His character. None. So I've been at this place where I'm trying to figure out...just how do I make this head knowledge about my Heavenly Father into heart, experiential knowledge? How do I function day to day believing the truth about Him when my heart reacts in the latter ways, and according to those awful, false beliefs about Him? Well, I decided to ask Him for help, and sure enough, He met me. It was wonderful to see that in my life again. Sometimes I just go through the motions, having no depth in my relationship with Him, and it's really awful. But the past two days, after I prayed specifically for Him to show me something simple, He answered in really astounding ways. I prayed that He would open my heart to see Him...His true self...and that I would begin to understand (in a journey-type sense) His love for me and how He also sees me.

Yesterday morning I was heading to work and had just enough time to stop at Starbucks. I ordered a caramel macchiato upside-down with sugar-free vanilla syrup (hey, it's 80 calories less and less like dessert than actual coffee this way). I was third in line and figured I would still have plenty of time to get to work. The lady in front of me received her order and then asked the barista about another drink. The barista said, "Oh, you ordered that too?" She then ducked inside to make another drink (my guess after how long it took) and handed it to her. Okay, so I was annoyed. I was supposed to be presenting a case for our Clinical Supervisor at 8:30 and I still needed 10 minutes to drive. I got my drink rather quickly and headed to the 60 freeway (I was traveling from Day street to Blaine). Around the Martin Luther King exit, traffic abruptly slowed, and came to a stop. I could see about 15 cars in front of me there there was an accident. I had my windows down, and I heard screaming. The kind of dreadful screaming that chills your bones. I knew that someone was badly hurt, and I began to pray for everyone. The accident appeared to have just happened as people piled out of their cars to help and survey the damage. People rushed to an overturned red pickup truck and were looking inside the cab, seemingly trying to help people get out. As I passed the wreck, I saw a woman jumping up and down screaming/crying. I called 911 (didn't see anyone else with phones out at the scene) and continued on to work. I realized after I'd passed the accident that had the lady in front of me at Starbucks not delayed my trip, I would've probably been much closer to that accident - 2 to 3 minutes makes a huge difference on the freeway. In fact, it shows me how we live our lives by matter of perspective: 2 to 3 minutes late = annoying, or 2 to 3 minutes late = life saving. I guess you never know, but He made it clear that His hand was in my life that day. When I got to work, not even knowing what had happened, a coworker came over and gave me a huge hug. I was on the phone and hadn't even seen her yet that morning, but she knew I was there (heard my voice) and somehow knew that's exactly what I had needed. I had even been thinking to myself, "Man, I need a hug!!" Thank you Lord!! You extend Your arms through Your people.

Today, I stayed home to rest and decided to venture out a few hours ago to get a video from Hollywood Video. I found a rent one, get one free coupon online and had a couple of movies already in mind. I headed over and found the streets to be jam-packed with cars. As I got to the freeway, I realized it was shut down and there was a helicopter passing overhead. It took me 40 minutes to go the 3 miles to Hollywood, and when I got there I realized there had been a police shooting right down the street from Hollywood Video. I'm not sure how much time He spared me in avoiding that one, but thankfully I didn't leave earlier. I would have been right there. To be perfectly honest this is overwhelming in the way of me experiencing His love and care for me, but I have to be equally honest in saying that I'm ready to stop experiencing it this way!!

Here's something the Lord showed me in Scripture this morning, too, as I felt a nudge to begin reading through the book of Jeremiah:

"Then the virgin will rejoice with dancing, while young and old men rejoice together. I will turn their mourning into joy, give them consolation, and bring happiness out of grief. I will give the priests their fill with abundance and My people will be satisfied with My goodness."

I realized that is exactly what I want - to be satisfied with His goodness alone. As I kept reading Jeremiah, however, I realized that I have been guilty of this: "Yet My people have exchanged their Glory for useless idols. Be horrified at this, Heavens; be shocked and utterly appalled. For my people have committed a double evil: they have abandoned Me, the fountain of living water, and dug cisterns that cannot hold water." Jeremiah 2:12-13.

::SMACK::

That was me. I immediately saw myself in that and asked Him for forgiveness. I repented of walking away from Him and trying to do everything on my own. I've reaped the consequences of that, and it has shown itself in a series of illnesses and a weak immune system. I've been sick every three weeks for several months now, not taking time to rest and constantly doing, doing, doing...and yet in vain. For nothing purposeful, really. My heart hasn't always been fully into the things I'm doing for God, let alone the things that aren't for Him. Thank goodness for His comforting words concerning His love for us and that He welcomes us back when we turn to Him and admit wrong. This book of the Bible is very sobering when it comes to His consequences for the ones who won't turn back. May that never be me; I will need His help every second. I have been humbled and will now choose to humble myself. Amen.